Worlds Collide... I Miss the Old One...

First of all, my trip back to Austin after only one week at college was unintentional and a broken promise to myself. Yes, I am ashamed. I can't even go one week without crawling back home. In actuality, I had planned to make a quick day trip to pick up some art supplies (since Seguin apparently has no artsy fartsy store) only to find out that one of my long time friends was leaving Austin and having a final get-together during Sunday afternoon. So, my quick, drop by visit turned into an action packed nighter. I'm sure the activity level exceeded anything I would have been doing back in Seguin. (haven't quite cracked the party scene yet)

But as I was packing up on Sunday afternoon, I was struck with some familiar depression. The excitement of orientation left no room for teary-eyed goodbyes two weeks ago so this was new, and yet not new at all. (but more on that later) There was a comfort and secure familiarity with the weekend, especially at church. So much of me wants to screw this college stuff and nestle myself back into that awesome senior lifestyle.

Excuse me as I reach back into my file but you stiffs still at SW have something special. I'd love to give an elongated history lesson, but I'm trying to slim these things down. What I'm trying to say is it wasn't always like it is now. Back in the days, before even Troy and Stevie, when we met in YMCA yoga rooms, obscure portables, and Elementary School libraries. When we were without a youth group leader for months at a time and attendance was a solid 4 or 5 brave souls. I remember having previous acquaintances visit and/or dragged in by interested parents with the dear in the headlights look mixed with a "this sucks; lets go to EV-Free"mentality. I really didn't blame them. My first Backyard Bible Clubs experience had convinced me that this church and community was something special, but it was still so awkward for so long.

It was good for me; those kind of situations will either tune you out or force your individual growth. Thank God it was the latter. No more of that superficial Westlake social group that just happened to meet at a church. No, only God could cause people to stick out environments like HCBCSW in its infancy. Obviously I've seen it grow all this time, and as our community continued to grow and strengthen, the more I felt a part of God's purpose. I spent most of my years in high school searching for true friendship and church only fostered that for a fraction of that time. I miss it now; it hurts me to leave something that I've seen grow up in Christ along side me.

I've had this depressing mood-set before, I remember it well. It was just a month ago on a late Sunday night in the Dairy Queen across from the Northwest "mothership." Sean was tagging along (he seems to do that often) and we both shared a feeling of emptiness. It depresses me further that I now find the Concert of Praise to be such a let down, its not the same as it was years ago. I think a large part of that is that I've since come to the realization that the Concert of Praise marks the end of the Great Adventure. An end to the closeness I felt with friends and with Christ. An end to a clear sense of singular purpose and joy-bringing unity in Christ. We were all comrades in the spiritual war for humanity and there's no other feeling like it. I've come to cherish my summers, not as much for the time off, but for the time were we as believers can join in holy evangelism and service to ourselves and to the world.

God I miss it, and its now obvious that I'm so depressed because I'm "quiting cold turkey." I find myself asking God why I should be leaving something so good and glorifying to him? Why can't I just hang around, take a few ACC classes, and stay nestled in that cocoon of comfortable Christian culture? At this point I recognize my supreme selfishness and longing for path well traveled. I take a long breath, give a deep sigh and apologize. Forging ahead is what the Christian life is about. I'm only going to grow in environments where I am not quite comfortable and thusly reliant on God's direction. So I'm forced to look back and simply remember the good times, drop in and see you guys every once and a while, and forge ahead. Its not like I left God back in Austin.

As for you guys, make this short time you have special. Open up to others and to God, cherish those times given to you; they wont last forever. More than anything, hold onto what you came from. I don't want you to become another Plugerville; Sean can fill you in on that little explanation. Good luck to you Southwest, it was a heck of a ride.

Grass Becomes Brown As Kings Become Fish

So here I am. A full day of packing, driving, registering, unpacking, arranging, rearranging and orienteering has left me in a mild daze and as the night thickens, I find myself at my desk with an opportunity to take a second and unload. As my family could tell you, I was seemingly void of emotion as move-in day approached. Its not to say that I wasn't interested, uncertain, excited, nervous, anxious and the like, but I never allowed those feelings to linger long, which was the cause for them rarely surfacing above a cognitive awareness. Is it indifference? I'm not sure... It is true that I will seldom let those emotional tugs to sway my "composer," but is it that I just don't care? No, I care; its just my logic that tells me that anxiety and fear are pointless.

Logic is a funny thing. It's definition has been construed a bit by modern society and although some Atheists would like you to think otherwise, logic is key to the practice of Christianity as C.S. Lewis would say. Is not logic simply the "most obvious" course of action in consideration to subscribed truth? If I do indeed believe that there is a omnipotent and all knowing God that not only interacts with humanity, but looks after and cares for me on a very personal level then should not my perception and conduct be drastically altered from a view of solidarity?

This is largely why I don't subscribe to the stereotypical angst of today in general. Its pointless, distracting and down right not our place. It is this kind of indifference that I think is very good and dare I say necessary in the Christian walk. It is biblical if I'm not mistaken. Of course, the dangerous extreme to indifference seeps in when we begin to use that lack of concern as an excuse to sit on the sidelines or not even show up to the game. This laziness is paired tightly with that all-consuming desire for comfort. That kind of indifference is very easy to pull off, its another story when uncomfortable change knocks at the door.

So I guess I've done a good job so far with this college stuff; but that's a strong "so far." I've yet to reach 24 hours in this environment. By the way, talk about a different environment. I guess I've heard plenty about the mass amounts of freedom unleashed during these four years, but its still a mild shock. I mean how much more do I need to say than "no parents...?" I can see why so many go overboard or just get wild. It can easily be an overload of newfound liberty and its down right deadly. Sure going to your first PG-13 movie is nice, your own car and license is a thrill, but throw all of that into lifted age limitations and a sudden lack of wise overseers watching their every move and you get the stereotypical college student, hell-bent on soaking up as much pleasure as possible. To the prevailing altitude of maximum freedom/minimum responsibility that seems to permeate "college campi" the idea of prolonging pleasure is seen as traditionalist dogma. Do they not see what that highly habitual and addictive lifestyle brings them after years of abuse and over-stimulation? "Na man, gotta live it up while you can!" "Its all over once you get married," or once you have kids, once you get a job.

No, I'm sorry, but life isn't a buffet table for the masses. "Get what's good while you can" leads to a slow progressive train wreck life spent searching for more of the same. Why not instead take each bite as it comes, while truly savoring it for the genuine goodness? In short (ya right) these are two perspectives that I'd like to carry through the coming semesters. Will they be popular? Of course not... Will they be fulfilling? My logic only tells yes.

(I know my "style," as it were, in the past has been quite... thorough and unsystematic. More of the same for tonight I guess. But I'd like to change that as I have quite a different environment around me now. If my posts continue to be lengthy then so be it, but I'm aiming for more quantity this time around so as to keep you folks at home updated and let those around me now know more about my "inner ticking.")