I find myself wondering when I'll get a weekend. The two or so weeks that made up the Drama production of "Dead Man Walking" caused quite a lot of late nights and tried patience. I didn't have much time for homework or really much of anything outside of Jackson Auditorium. Through all the exhaustion was a good experience, but I'm glad for it to be over. Too bad "Rally" opens in less than a week and I probably wont have much of a life this week.
Anyway, wedged in the middle of the strenuous schedule a few weeks ago was my 19th. birthday; a fact that didn't stir up a whole lot of emotional stimulation. It's nothing new, true excitement over my approaching birthday quickly faded after about age 10. Sure, its still something to enjoy, but I discovered that I had better things to do than to emotionally writhe in anticipation. Looking back, this transformation my have had causation deeper than simple mental maturation.
Growing up in that homeschool environment that inevitably dooms all who enter to a limited social circle may have opened my eye's up to the sad truths regarding early adolescents before most others around me. My birthdays were a perfect example of this. Although I never really looked forward to the simple date of birth, for a period of 4-5 years, I highly anticipated the party that would bring all my closest friends together. So I would plan months in ahead and perfect ever aspect of the get-together, which I moved from late October to the Holiday break for the College Football National Championship game or to late January for the Super Bowl.
I hated hearing the excuses of too much school work, or not knowing in time so I made sure to give months of lead time and constantly remind my friends to run it through their parents. (a concept that never seemed to sink in) Some years were great and and really fulfilled the expectations I had for the party, but for the most part, my ego took a hit every year. Most everyone I would invite couldn't or didn't make time for one evening and for someone who doesn't attend a school everyday and has constant exposure to his peers it was a shot right to the heart. Much like the many end of school parties that haunt my memories, it was a vivid reminder that the majority of those who I thought enjoyed my company, in reality, couldn't have cared less.
My birthday parties were one of the many events that scarred my social growth and for a time caused my to give up on interaction completely. That phase didn't last long, but it's all part of my maturation in terms of interaction with others. God made us to be relational beings, but the majority of our associations are dominated by selfish cravings, which inevitably lead to heartache and bitterness. I've become accustom to it, it's just who we are as humans. I still need to remind myself often; I have the phrase "people will always fail to fulfill my expectations" on my cell phone welcome screen. I try my best to always selflessly interact with others while at the same time not throw a pity fit when others don't return the favor.
Another thing that sours my birth season is its proximity to Halloween. That's right, I'm not a fan. It's not that I hate the prevalence of "evil" like some hopped up religious nut. (although I've never quite understood the fascination) I've just never liked how commercialized it is, and that goes for most every holiday. I love spending time with friends and family during some time off, but as for the mass commercial festivities, I'd rather do without. I've never been one for dressing up, why do you think that day would be any different? I've also never understood why Halloween magically gives many "ladies" that right to dress up like, how should I say it... deviant little sluts? For some reason, we see Halloween as the day of the year to embrace "evil" as something to be celebrated, something that will forever bewilder me.
What's next? Thanksgiving and the dreaded Black Friday; yet another concept that grinds my gears. No matter, while some materialistic psychos spend hours grappling with other sleep deprived nut-jobs for inanimate objects I'll be relaxing with family and friends; giving thanks for life and its true joys.
