First of all, my trip back to Austin after only one week at college was unintentional and a broken promise to myself. Yes, I am ashamed. I can't even go one week without crawling back home. In actuality, I had planned to make a quick day trip to pick up some art supplies (since Seguin apparently has no artsy fartsy store) only to find out that one of my long time friends was leaving Austin and having a final get-together during Sunday afternoon. So, my quick, drop by visit turned into an action packed nighter. I'm sure the activity level exceeded anything I would have been doing back in Seguin. (haven't quite cracked the party scene yet)
But as I was packing up on Sunday afternoon, I was struck with some familiar depression. The excitement of orientation left no room for teary-eyed goodbyes two weeks ago so this was new, and yet not new at all. (but more on that later) There was a comfort and secure familiarity with the weekend, especially at church. So much of me wants to screw this college stuff and nestle myself back into that awesome senior lifestyle.
Excuse me as I reach back into my file but you stiffs still at SW have something special. I'd love to give an elongated history lesson, but I'm trying to slim these things down. What I'm trying to say is it wasn't always like it is now. Back in the days, before even Troy and Stevie, when we met in YMCA yoga rooms, obscure portables, and Elementary School libraries. When we were without a youth group leader for months at a time and attendance was a solid 4 or 5 brave souls. I remember having previous acquaintances visit and/or dragged in by interested parents with the dear in the headlights look mixed with a "this sucks; lets go to EV-Free"mentality. I really didn't blame them. My first Backyard Bible Clubs experience had convinced me that this church and community was something special, but it was still so awkward for so long.
It was good for me; those kind of situations will either tune you out or force your individual growth. Thank God it was the latter. No more of that superficial Westlake social group that just happened to meet at a church. No, only God could cause people to stick out environments like HCBCSW in its infancy. Obviously I've seen it grow all this time, and as our community continued to grow and strengthen, the more I felt a part of God's purpose. I spent most of my years in high school searching for true friendship and church only fostered that for a fraction of that time. I miss it now; it hurts me to leave something that I've seen grow up in Christ along side me.
I've had this depressing mood-set before, I remember it well. It was just a month ago on a late Sunday night in the Dairy Queen across from the Northwest "mothership." Sean was tagging along (he seems to do that often) and we both shared a feeling of emptiness. It depresses me further that I now find the Concert of Praise to be such a let down, its not the same as it was years ago. I think a large part of that is that I've since come to the realization that the Concert of Praise marks the end of the Great Adventure. An end to the closeness I felt with friends and with Christ. An end to a clear sense of singular purpose and joy-bringing unity in Christ. We were all comrades in the spiritual war for humanity and there's no other feeling like it. I've come to cherish my summers, not as much for the time off, but for the time were we as believers can join in holy evangelism and service to ourselves and to the world.
God I miss it, and its now obvious that I'm so depressed because I'm "quiting cold turkey." I find myself asking God why I should be leaving something so good and glorifying to him? Why can't I just hang around, take a few ACC classes, and stay nestled in that cocoon of comfortable Christian culture? At this point I recognize my supreme selfishness and longing for path well traveled. I take a long breath, give a deep sigh and apologize. Forging ahead is what the Christian life is about. I'm only going to grow in environments where I am not quite comfortable and thusly reliant on God's direction. So I'm forced to look back and simply remember the good times, drop in and see you guys every once and a while, and forge ahead. Its not like I left God back in Austin.
As for you guys, make this short time you have special. Open up to others and to God, cherish those times given to you; they wont last forever. More than anything, hold onto what you came from. I don't want you to become another Plugerville; Sean can fill you in on that little explanation. Good luck to you Southwest, it was a heck of a ride.
